Sorry that I haven’t written anything for the last few weeks, I’ve been away in India with work which involved long days, so by the time I got to my room, I was exhausted and unable to think straight or creatively.

However, a lot has happened whilst I have been away. I guess I can do a quick recap. The guy that assaulted me at work eight months ago was sentenced two weeks ago. I was nervous on the day of the sentencing, couldn’t really focus on anything. However, when I was told the outcome, it was exactly what I had expected and what I was prepared for, yet something didn’t quite feel right for me. I was kind of expecting to feel something. A sense of relief, happiness, victory, completion, euphoria, I don’t know, I just thought or hoped that I would feel different in some way, but I didn’t, in fact I didn’t feel anything at all, nothing and that was what made me feel strange about the whole thing, that I felt nothing, none of the things that I hoped or wished I would feel and I wondered why.

I think in my case, the sentencing had little impact on me. I expected there to be some kind of a conclusion, that justice had been served that it should be over now, time to move on. In fact I didn’t feel any of those things because it isn’t really over, is it? I can’t erase the incident from my memory, I can’t stop it from popping up into my mind throughout the day. I can’t stop visualising the guy screaming right in my face, having his hands round my neck, then pulling me by my hair to the ground.

The memory doesn’t just stop because the person has been sentenced. I was also told that he left court ecstatic. Why is he feeling so much happier than I am? He has a suspended prison sentence of 18 months which means he is avoiding going to jail. Does he think he has got away with what he has done? Yet I don’t feel an ounce of joy about the outcome and frankly I wouldn’t feel an ounce of joy regardless of the outcome.

Anyway, I am continuing with my CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and I’m hoping that eventually the whole incident and the memory will be filed away somewhere in the back of my head.

Moving on to other news. I’m not sure if you remember but when I was travelling in Kenya I had accidently deleted a post all about regrets and forgotten dreams. It was probably the most emotional piece that I had written up to that point. It was also quite a depressing piece. Lamenting over these forgotten dreams and regrets about decisions I wish I had made or not made. Especially around the dreams I had when I was younger, before I got married.

Whilst the kids were growing up I was unable to follow or focus on my dreams. All my energy was being spent on the family, the community, organisations, local groups, other people. I know many women have been able to juggle their dreams and their families and all these extra commitments at the same time, but I couldn’t. I struggled keeping my head above the water, working at the same time, keeping my sanity in tact and preserving my energy to get up every morning and I kept busy but not busy with my things, just busy for other people.

So, my dream from all those years ago was that I really wanted to write film scripts and direct films. I even had this completely bonkers vision of one day living in LA with a swimming pool. I had a goal, something to aspire to and I did start following that dream. I remember going travelling to Bangkok after finishing Uni and visiting the Zoo there. I also remember crying my eyes out seeing all the animals in these small cages. I went back to my room and put together a draft idea for a film about a Zoo where the animals came alive at night and talked to each other, each animal had a different personality and they all planned to escape to get back to their home in Africa.

I worked on it, then sent it out to all the big production companies but heard nothing back, some years later, Madagascar hit the screens and I have often wondered where they got that idea from, was it maybe mine? I mean the chances are that it wasn’t, but what if it was? Stupidly I didn’t do all the things you should do about copywriting it so it was completely my fault.

However, shortly after that life kind of got in the way and my dream slipped down the list of priorities. I worked, got married, had children but I did try and keep some creativity alive in me by dabbling a bit in writing, a bit in stand up comedy, a bit in local theatre groups and directing. A bit was better than nothing and because it was part of me and who I am and there was still something creative burning inside of me that would not disappear. It was the tiny hope of fulfilling my dream and even though it was buried deep in the bottom of my soul, as small and as tiny as it was, it was still there.

So, last year when it felt that my world had imploded, I honestly thought my dream had also died. I felt dead inside, I thought all the hope I was clinging to had completely and utterly disappeared. I felt too old, too tired, too unmotivated and my confidence in my own abilities was shattered.

Going away to Kenya and taking some time out was the best thing I could have done. There was no other option. The time to myself allowed me to regain my sense of perspective, my strength and my passion for life and adventure. It felt that I had brought my soul back alive from the pits of hell that it found itself in. Starting to write this blog has been a Godsend. It has allowed me to connect with my creativity and make things flow again.

But, being away in India recently these last few weeks is where I think I found my sense of purpose again and have managed somehow to reignite my desire to fulfil my dream and bring it to the forefront of my mind. I was doing Yoga in the mornings and I started to meditate at night. Through clearing my mind of any thoughts, especially the negative ones, I was able to see clearly what it is that I have to do and what it is that I really want to do. I was able to feel again, not to think, but to feel what the right thing to do is.

So, all along I thought it was a book I was meant to write, but it was never a book, I need to go back to writing scripts. I say this like I have written loads!!! No, I haven’t but it was always my dream to do so. Anyway, whilst meditating, (I know it sounds crazy but it really does work) the idea that I have been toying with for some time just wouldn’t leave me. It’s a comedy script which I’m really excited about. I pitched the idea the next day to a Producer that was out working with us and who lives in LA (probably even has his own swimming pool!) and he loved it, well, that’s what he said, maybe he just wanted to carry on eating his lunch, but he gave me his email and said to send it to him when I was ready.

So to start with, I can’t work at home, I don’t know why, I feel stifled, uninspired, uncreative, maybe even slightly suffocated so I’m going back to Bucharest for a week, maybe a week, maybe 10 days. I know, it’s a long way to go just to write but there was this place I stayed in for one night last year and I remember the minute I walked in I fell in love instantly and imagined myself staying there and writing from morning till night. For me, it has to be one of the most inspirational places I have ever stayed in and I have been thinking about it a lot. It’s called the Artist’s Villa and that’s where I’m going next week to start writing my script.

I know this sounds really weird or some of you probably are already doing this but I have started to listen to my intuition, my gut, my heart and will no longer listen to my head or other people’s advice as every time that I do, I make the wrong decision and that’s where all my regrets stem from. Of course there will be times when I will need my head and the advice of friends and those close to me, but ultimately, that is it, advice, the final decision would rest with me and what feels right.

When I look back at my life there were moments when I was about to do something and to me it felt scary, but maybe it wasn’t scared that I was feeling but excitement and it was actually the right decision but I always talked my way down and out of situations that would have brought me so much happiness and so much joy because I thought it was wrong but maybe all along I was scared of happiness or I felt that I didn’t deserve to be happy or both. I guess this was my own self sabotage and I was very good at it!!

Right now though, I just feel that I’m in the right place and where I should be going in my life, but it took something so extreme for me to realise it, to make a decision to step away from everything, out of my comfort zone, away from family, friends all my commitments and work and to go into the unknown to yes ‘find myself’, reconnect with who it is that I really am and what it is that really makes me happy. I allowed myself the space and the ability to really look deep inside and decide what it is I want to do and ‘feel that fear and do it anyway.’

I really feel that I am starting a different journey in my life now, one that I wished I did all those years ago but I also do think that maybe that wasn’t my time, maybe I wasn’t quite ready to fulfil my dream. So, maybe it isn’t too late, maybe it’s the right time. Right now. I’m just grateful and feeling very lucky that I have been able to drag my dream out of the darkest part of my soul and bring it back to the surface, or did I even have any choice in the matter? I will promise to try my hardest and write that script, make that film and who knows maybe one day I will be able to sit by the pool in a house in LA sipping a glass of cold prosecco. In all honesty, the film may never get made, but it doesn’t really matter, I have found the joy that has been missing in my life and the thought, the dream and the journey trying to get there will be equally if not more important to me.

On a bit of a downer, the other day I had some cash in my back pocket as I headed out to the hairdressers down the road to change my hair from looking the wrong shade of blonde, it was more yellow. When I got to the hairdressers and the money wasn’t in my back pocket. I went and retraced my steps and it wasn’t there. I felt so upset as it was a lot of money. I wondered how I was going to find that amount of money as I have no more work lined up for the foreseeable future.

Maybe it was meant to be. Losing the money has made me decide to switch the payment button on this blog which I have avoided doing. If you are receiving this email then you have already subscribed for free, that won’t change but there is an option to pay a small amount on a monthly or annual basis and support the ‘writer’ that’s me! You really don’t have to do this and I’m not expecting it, but maybe, just maybe somebody out there would be happy to sign up and donate to my writing, (not my Prosecco Fund!) and support me on my journey to the Oscars!!! I even have a Gold option and will promise to invite the person to the premier of my film, that’s how confident I feel!!

I would be grateful if you do decide to help but please remember you don’t have to do it and you can unsubscribe from receiving these emails at any time. If you are happy and want to help, just click on the button below and chose an option. You will still receive my regular newsletters either way.

Thank you so much and I will be in touch when I get to Bucharest where I will share some amazing photos of my inspirational place and let you know how the script is coming along.

Jo xxx

PS. I still have yellow hair!

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