So it’s 8 weeks now since I arrived in Kenya and how am I actually feeling now? Well as you know it’s been a hell of a rollercoaster ride that I was on when I first came out and also at times whilst I have been here.

I have had space to be alone, to think and ponder and reflect on my life. I have spent time in a country where my father left his soul. I have gone on adventures, seen some amazing animals and met some wonderful people. I have adopted a charity, fallen in love with donkeys, climbed a mountain, more or less, tried hot yoga, attended my first pottery classes and started to get into and focus on my writing. I can honestly say that I have had an absolutely amazing experience and it felt like I had come back alive.

I just wanted to mention that a couple of days ago, to the horror of my friends, I went on the back of a Boda, that’s an Uber motorbike. They don’t use helmets here and I have to admit it was really scary as we weaved in and out overtaking the stationary traffic that is customary here in Nairobi. I found it invigorating, exciting, dangerous and probably what I needed to do and probably what I really shouldn’t have done yet a bit of adrenaline wasn’t such a bad thing was it? I promised my friends I would not be doing it again. Just as well that I am heading back to London then.

I have to say that I am feeling very lucky to have been here, if only for a short time. Back at home I felt like a robot, going through the motions, existing, working, going home, eating, drinking far too much, sleeping getting up, repeat. I was empty inside and acting totally out of character as I was navigating all the issues I was dealing with. The assault, the menopause, the empty nest syndrome, the questions about my marriage, my forgotten dreams, my long list of regrets. I now see them as my catalyst which forced me to do something so extreme as to leave my world and all these problems behind. I had no idea what would happen. I had no idea what I was even doing, I just knew that I needed to do something to shake things up a bit, something extreme.

Now two months later, I feel as if I have regained my confidence and my sense of adventure. I have this settled peace and happiness which I haven’t felt in so long. Contentment and clarity and a sense of having found myself again. I know it sounds very corny. I even have a smile on my face writing this right now. Most importantly I have been writing regularly, either this blog or the start of a book. I feel a real sense of achievement and connecting with my creativity has been amazing and something which I have not been able to do back in London for so long now. Life just seemed to get in the way.

Maybe that is it. Maybe the main reason why I am feeling so happy is because at long last I am writing again. Like I mentioned before, I am not a great writer but I love writing and I love the fact that there are people out there that are enjoying what I am writing and enjoying seeing my photos and sharing this journey with me. I have had some wonderful emails and messages from so many people. It has been heart warming and uplifting that people are connecting with me and are happy for me.

The biggest life changing moment last year for me was being assaulted. When it first happened, I felt really guilty, that it was somehow my fault, that I shouldn’t have said what I did, that I should have acted differently that maybe if I stood somewhere else, maybe, maybe maybe, what ifs and so on went the dialogue inside my head. Apparently this is quite normal in a victim behaviour profile and I can see it completely. How many people have those same thoughts? How many people don’t report things to the police? How many people blame themselves? How many people get away with being violent towards others?

This is what went through my mind days and weeks maybe even several months after the incident I was trying to find ways to feel sorry for him, to explain away what he said and what he did. I almost justified his behaviour.

Well, today I don’t feel like that anymore. Having gone away, caught my breath and got my strength and energy back I can happily say that there is no justification in what he did. I did nothing wrong. I stood up to an incident that was completely out of control to a man that was bigger and stronger than me that thought intimidating me, making me scared, bullying and attacking me was justified.

I am now really looking forward to going back to the UK and seeing my family, my dog, my mother and my friends. I am looking forward to going back to my home, my bed, my kitchen. I have booked to see a play on Saturday and have already made arrangements to see my mother in her home in Devon, a dear friend in her new home in Yorkshire and I have to say that I can’t wait to catch up with everybody.

I am feeling really pleased that I am feeling this way as a couple of months ago I was feeling completely different and wasn’t sad about leaving my world and life behind and all those that I loved. So, I can only assume that this time away has been a great healer. I have gone through a mental, emotional and spiritual journey and process and not even doing it consciously, I have done exactly what I needed to do. Heal. Take time out. Find joy. Appreciate what I have in my life and find the love again for my life and those closest to me.

My journey is not over yet, it has probably just begun. I will carry on writing this blog as my writing is probably my journey and there is still so much I want to share.

I have to board the flight back to London so have run out of time to edit this piece properly so apologies but I wanted to post this before I boarded the plane.

See you in London. Jo

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