Firstly I wanted to apologise if you were expecting something from me last weekend. Quite a lot has been going on this past week which has thrown all my good intentions to write something right out of the window. Believe me, I have been feeling really bad that I didn’t post anything but only because I have had a really crappy week.

So, where do I begin? Well, last Saturday, after spending days fine tuning my post I accidently deleted it, I was mortified. I looked up at the sky and breathed when I found out I couldn’t retrieve it. I poured myself a glass of red wine, knocked it back and lay down on the bed on the terrace. I woke up a couple of hours later to the stunning view of a sky full of stars and the eyes of a startled monkey that had just been caught in the act. He was very funny but didn’t stick around for a photo.

The next day, I was up early in the morning and set off on an overnight safari. It was me and a car load of Italian tourists, very chatty and loud Italian tourists I hasten to add. The headphones came out and the good thing was that I didn’t have to engage in conversation with any of them.

I was happy listening to my depressing music and trying to catch sight of a wild animal or two. Unfortunately I shouldn’t have been listening to depressing music as it was making me cry far too much.

I think I was probably still upset about losing my post!!! By the way the post was about regrets and giving up on your dreams. The problem is that I feel a bit like an elephant sometimes and you know that saying that an elephant never forgets. Well, that is me when it comes to regretting things. (Hence the photos of the elephants. I couldn’t really choose the best one so I have put several in.)

So, I guess maybe after spending days writing and thinking about all my regrets and forgotten dreams, it probably had a huge impact on my emotional state and then deleting it accidently might have been a sign to maybe let go once and for all. Delete them all from my mind as well as the laptop!! Point taken. Will try and take that as a sign, but it’s difficult when they are so ingrained in your mind and your memory, maybe even your soul and you have already spent years trying to come to terms with them or just trying to forget about them. Believe me I have tried so hard. Maybe I should try harder…

In the meantime I was in the middle of this amazing Game Reserve seeing a herd of elephants drinking from the waterhole and a row of buffalo walking in a single file. The giraffes and the zebras and the mountain in the background. It was simply breath-taking.

Also, a keen photographer I was having the time of my life snapping away at anything that moved. I stopped feeling bad about my regrets and having accidently deleted my post. I also started working on a new one.

Heading back to the coast I was feeling better after the safari having seen an abundance of these amazing animals in their natural habitats. I was also feeling extremely lucky and very privileged to even have the opportunity to experience something so magical and so magnificent.

When I got back to my hotel on the coast, I got an email from the police and everything changed again. As some of you may know, one of the reasons that I left the UK was because I was assaulted at work. It was horrific. This guy lost the plot and tried to strangle me before grabbing my hair and pulling me down to the ground. It was a concrete floor, if he pushed my head any harder I probably wouldn’t be sitting here writing this.

The incident happened six months ago and the email from the police was informing me that he had been arrested. This news opened up a massive floodgate of tears. I think the tears about my regrets was just the warm up!

I was actually shocked by my reaction to this news and didn’t realize how much the whole incident is still affecting me after all these months. It doesn’t matter the fact that I have gone hundreds of miles away to a different continent, I cannot get away from my feelings, emotions and memories and things that had happened and the things that are are still happening back home.

That night I drank far too much vodka and coke. I tried to write about the whole incident and how I was feeling about it all and what had happened. I guess to get it out of my system, to share it, to help me emotionally with the whole thing. Various reasons I guess.

I woke up the next morning and I thought I was dying, not hungover but dying. I was actually very dehydrated. I guzzled down water like no business. To bring my anxiety and my blood pressure down I counted backwards from 100 but got bored when I got to 75 but started again and made it to 70. I breathed deeply, but not too deeply as it made me even more dizzy. I lay down on the bed listening to calming music and not the depressing ones I have as that would have probably sent me over the edge!! On top of this, I had diarrhoea and if that wasn’t enough, convinced I am going through the menopause which means no periods, suddenly what decides to come flooding out???After six months!! I kid you not.

So, the idea of me dying that morning was not unfounded. I was also alone. Up to that point I was enjoying being alone but that morning I wish I wasn’t. Still, I am Polish and as well as being a hypochondriac, I am a fighter. I went to reception and offloaded my problem on some poor woman who worked there, ordered things from the chemist to be delivered, got some chips and drowned them with loads of salt and ketchup. Threw myself into the cold pool to cool off and rang my therapist.

The email that the guy who tried to kill me was arrested triggered my trauma and affected my emotions and mind and I reacted by turning to drink. I just want to add that I am not an alcoholic! But because of the drinking and not enough water, my body decided to follow suit and was going through it’s own shock.

Luckily I didn’t die and I made a mental note of not drinking alcohol ever again (as if) and drink more water (that I can do). So, I had to check out of my room around lunchtime and I was happy to say that by then, I felt back to my normal self. I also had to get a flight to move up the coast so I guess the change of location would help at that point. But just as I was checking out, I got a phone call from the police with an update regarding the arrest and what will happen next.

Well, just when I managed to pull myself together after such a terrible morning, from feeling composed, I broke down sobbing in the reception in between checking out and ordering a taxi, whilst the staff were trying to console me.

I’m not sure how I should have reacted. The policeman on the phone was telling me what fantastic news it was. But really? I knew this was going to happen at some point, I just didn’t know at which point it would be. I was prepared for it, but I guess even prepared, I still probably wasn’t judging by my reaction. I know I have PTSD and all the trauma, emotions and feelings are intertwined with anything connected to it. I am sure this is normal behaviour.

As I spent a lot longer getting out of the hotel, time was of the essence as I didn’t want to miss my flight but no taxi was available, eventually one came and he told me that I had to pay extra as he would need to drive faster to get to the airport in time. Fine. Obviously I got in his car knowing that he was going to drive fast. The problem was, it was very fast and at the same time holding onto dear life, I was also digesting all the information from the police. I was hoping that the driver was not going to crash as my day really could not have got any worse.

Luckily we didn’t crash and got to the airport with 15 minutes to spare and then I saw how small the plane was. Tiny. Not matchbox tiny but 9 rows tiny, I then started to worry that maybe the plane was going to crash. It was half an hour flight. The plane didn’t go very high up and was above water most of the time, the good thing is that I can swim.

Luckily the plane also didn’t crash and we landed. I got met by somebody from the hotel and thinking there will be a car waiting, (show’s how much I researched about my next destination.) It was a boat. I got on it then realised I had left my passport on the plane. I have never ever once lost my passport or my keys or my children for that matter. To be honest, I was not worried. I had calmed down, my anxiety, paranoia and over thinking had also dispersed and I felt normal. Ah! well! I thought, I will just sort it out. I went back to the airport and tried to re-board the flight but they were just too quick for me and the plane had flown back to where it had come from. The airline promised to find it and get it back to me. Which they did the next day.

I am now in a place called Lamu, a tiny Island off Kenya. Like a mini Zanzibar. All stone buildings and narrow streets. It has 4400 donkeys, some have even come from Devon, (according to my guide), hundreds of cats and many mosques. Predominantly Muslim, Lamu is also a UNESCO World Heritage Site. However, the hotel I stayed in was in the middle of the old town and it had building works going on. The Mosques around me were each competing through their loud speaker system. There were lots of screaming children and loud braying donkeys. I tried to focus on my writing but it was impossible, a mixture of the noise and the news affected my creativity and I just couldn’t write.

I actually feel sorry for the donkeys here. If I was rich I would ship them all to Devon and buy everyone a bicycle.

I have now moved hotels to a quieter part of the Island with a chilled out vibe and my friend has joined me. I’m no longer alone. I have offloaded, I feel happier for now.

And the best bit is that at long last I have managed to complete this post which has been hanging over my head for the last few days but now you know everything.

So, I apologise once again. But the good thing is that I didn’t die that morning from dehydration, I didn’t die in the taxi on the way to the airport or on the plane and I most definitely didn’t die 6 months ago when I was assaulted. I’m still alive and I’m hoping to be for a while yet. Must stop drinking though and worrying about all the donkeys!!

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