As I had mentioned, I am back in the UK for a month and I promised that I will carry on writing this blog not only because I enjoy writing and this platform has given me a reason and a focus to write but also because there are still some stories and photos from Kenya that I really want to share here. I also have 161 subscribers so I have responsibilities now!!!

However, if you have had enough of reading my blog and you want to stop receiving any more emails from me than please go ahead and unsubscribe. I promise that I won’t email you questions like ‘What went wrong?’ ‘Is it me?’ ‘What didn’t you like?’ ‘How can I change?’ I guess it does sound a bit like breaking up from a relationship. But seriously, I really won’t take it personally.

So, as you know, I was really looking forward to seeing my family, friends and the dog and also being at home. When I left Kenya I did feel stronger and more confident and I also didn’t feel as if I was loosing my mind. I know that the break away has done me the world of good. However, I had my first Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) session this week. It was online and the minute it started, so did my tears. There was no disguising the fact that I am still affected by the attack that happened in October.

I’m still not OK, not completely fixed, not back to normal, that will still take a bit of time. But what I am pleased about is the fact that my desire and yearning to come home and be with my family was far stronger than the need to stay away so I didn’t have to face the problems back at home.

In my first blog, as well as the assault, I listed the other reasons why I felt that I was slowly going mad and having such a strong desire to run away from everything. Well I was and probably still am going through some stage of the menopause. I say some stage, I have no idea what is actually happening with my body. I am on Oestrogen patches. I think my mood swings have all settled down and I am feeling quite balanced overall. However, writing this, I also have tears in my eyes so I guess I am still fairly emotional. The only other significant problem is that my memory has taken a bit of a beating. I am seriously struggling with remembering things. I am hoping it is linked with the menopause and not early onset dementia because that will be a real bummer.

I had also mentioned that my youngest son went to Uni and I was experiencing the whole empty nest syndrome. Well he has now decided to come home of his own accord and commute to Uni as he only needs to go in twice a week. I have to say that as much as I was pushing him to leave home and was happy for him to leave, I am feeling secretly pleased that he is back home. Although I have to try really hard not to go into his room so that the mess doesn’t affect my blood pressure.

I also wrote about going through some kind of a midlife crisis. Questioning what I was doing with my life. What had I done? Lamenting on all my broken dreams that I had never pursued. Goals that I never reached. A box full to the brim of regrets. Wrong decisions made. Opportunities missed. Being on the wrong path. It’s the overthinking and constantly living in the past that were my biggest problems.

I am coming to the realisation that I cannot change anything that has happened in the past and there is no time machine that can help me and the time spent thinking about it is wasting even more time. I made choices in the past whether they were right or wrong it was a choice. Who is to say that the choice I could have made would have been a better one? My ‘Box of Regrets’ were prevalent once a month for a couple of days synchronized with my PMT. When I hit the menopause, it felt like I was in a constant PMT state, so that box of regrets last year towards the end of summer was permanently open!!

One of my biggest regrets has to be not pursuing my writing. Some of the problems have been my lack of confidence, self esteem and belief. Life also kind of got in the way and I seemed to always find excuses for not writing. Going away has allowed me to focus on this. So overall, I am hoping that if I carry on writing, which brings me so much joy, I can then say that I have managed to achieve one of my dreams in life, I am a writer. Am a writer? I guess I am writing this. Ok, I’m not being paid. Can I still call myself a writer? Shall I just make that my job? My profession? At what point can I really call myself a writer? At the point when I get published? When somebody pays me? If I paid myself, would that count?

Writing this blog and starting my book and just being able to write has allowed me to process what has happened and what I am going through. I felt like I was literally on the edge of madness. I am happy to say that I no longer feel as if I am teetering on the edge but as the session with the therapist confirmed, I do have PTSD and I am suffering still from the trauma of the attack. Going away hasn’t fixed it and no matter how long I stayed away or how far I travelled, the memory and the affects won’t go away without professional intervention, hence the CBT.

Once again I am feeling grateful to be able to step away and regain my strength and my sanity. Grateful to my friend and her family for letting me stay with her in Kenya. Grateful that I have a loving family and such wonderful friends supporting me at home and above all really grateful that I have been able to start fulfilling one of my passions, to be able to write, properly, well sort of… in a bit of a mad way anyway!

Thank you for reading this. By the way, I am looking at maybe changing the name of the blog. Please do message me if you have any suggestions. Thank you again. Jo xxx

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